Numb

I just realized I am NOT a masochist. I thought it was easy to do, but I stand corrected. Monday morning, I have a big headache probably from lack of sleep. I haven't slept well for the past three days. My brain is pretty much occupied by 70% Twilight and 30% school work. No self-preservation, no friends, no family, and certainly no boys. I felt overwhelmed though, not because of my lack of having a life, but because of how obsessed I am with Twilight. This day was different though. I felt really numb, and the reason for this is the big hole on my chest where my heart should be. I lost it. I remember last night I was too occupied finishing my previous blog about my impossible unspoken love. Hence today, that unspoken love finally gave its worst. I tried to have contact with him once again, but I failed. I never got a reply to my messages. My friend tried to text him for me. He replied. I was so pissed, but as I was kicking soccer balls in PE, the fury subsided. All I can feel was pain. So much of it that it felt like nothing, like it completely immobilized me. There were no tears, yet I couldn't smile either. I couldn't care less if a ball hit me directly on the head. I wouldn't feel it anyway. There was nothing. Just me and a big hole on my chest. I couldn't hold myself any longer. I was losing it. For the rest of the day my friends were like talking to a zombie -- very absent-minded. I wouldn't even listen to the discussion of our terror professor. If he called me for a recitation, I'll probably just stand there and babble. Finally the sun was setting. I can feel all of me setting with it. Right now I feel nothing, just the empty hollow feeling at my core. As if I lost something vital. My life is permanently altered now. Even my brain works differently... 70% Twilight, 20% school work, 10% my impossible love.