Surprise, surprise! Term 1, SY 10-11

Ah, this is the first term of my last year as a student! Gosh, being a student is all I ever know how to do, and I really enjoy being a student (at least in college *wink wink*). What I love and hate most in this term are the tons and tons of surprises! First, my friends and I were really shocked to find out about the sudden change of professor in qualitative research, psychometrics and theology. The first two came out sooooooo wrong, while the third came out so perfect! Second, I became religious. Nah, kidding! But we developed this new motto "life is unfair, but God is good!" Third, a surprise alliance with a former frienemy, our previous lab prof. We're doing a paper together. Fourth, my, err, revival. I never thought my third to the last term in college would mean so much, and I never expected to be attracted to someone else at this point of my life where stress is practically my middle name. I never thought that I could smile genuinely after a harsh week just because I received a text message or anything as small as that. Though it was along list of surprises, there were still lots of comforting, familiar things, like one of my favorite professors in literature, my set of "team mates", and of course, all the psych stuff that I have come to love and appreciate. All I am waiting for right now are my grades, and this term might just be okay after all.

Grandma's Latest Gift

Lola had been in Heaven for six years now. I barely felt it. She was always there and I knew it. Last Sunday, I turned nineteen. She gave me the best gift she could ever give....her poetry. Life in the 1930s and the 1940s seemed really interesting. I would like to share to the rest of the world what my Lola shared with me. The following is just one of the many poems we found. Enjoy!

Carry defeat
With a conquering air,
Lest passers pity,
Lest strangers stare.

Shelter sorrow
In shimmering pride,
Lest friend deplore
Lest foe deride.

But weep, weep well
When you’re all alone,
Lest you heart congeal
To a small, cold stone.

-Narcisa Hernandez-Gan
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Come and take my heart, o noble cupid,
Whose arrow had pierced so deep,
A wound so madly, sadly gaping,
In the midst of the laughing feet.

Come and bring with Thee your ethereal balm,
So by Thy pulling I will not scream,
And moan from such a ghastly, ignoble wound,
That I may wake up between my dream.

If I could live without a heart in me
I will prefer to go with thee.
So in your ventures I can feel
The happiness and joys you pile in them.

If I could love without a heart,
If I could feel without my senses
If I could see without my eyes
Then all of myself I give to thine.

If you can’t take my heart
Please touch it with your arrow no more
While to him I’ll find my dress,
And be a servant forevermore.

-Narcisa Hernandez-Gan
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Love to me is wonderful,
It caused my life to be fruitful,
My life’s inspired when I’m in love
And I find heaven above.

I confess my heart’s command,
To be with you in every time,
I’ll never change, I’ll never leave,
Till death do us part.

I wonder why I’m so in love
In love alone with you, my love,
Let’s make and share it heavenly,
Where us can live so happily.

This is my first love I knew
You don’t love me as I do,
Oh! Lord! I pray please hear my plea
Let my love one be faithful to me.

-Narcisa Hernandez-Gan
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Periphery

No amount of temporary could change what is permanent. No amount of sunshine could beat out an eclipse, and no amount of happiness could thaw what has been hardened by gloom. My heart, once broken, would be impossible to mend. My love, once so precious, would be impossible to share. And loneliness? It would be impossible to pry away from me. As I have said before, I really think I was born to be unhappy. I was born to keep the world's atmosphere balanced. What is wrong with me? Rather, what is right with me? All I want is to be like anyone else. I want to laugh. I want to love. I want to live. I want to be a part of your life, I want to be the one to make you smile. I guess that would be impossible in this lifetime. I could sob my eyes out tonight or I could stop crying. Either way, my tears would mean nothing to you, my heart ache would go unnoticed. Who am I to you anyway? I guess I would always be that invisible girl in your world, always in the periphery.