Melodramatic

That's what I've been for the past few days (including my previous blogs). I decided to stop being a crybaby and actually start having a life. I am seventeen, for God's sake! I need to grow up. But I do not blame myself for acting like a spoiled five-year-old because being seventeen doesn't mean you are only seventeen. It also means to that you are 16, 15, 14, 13 and so on. And in times when my heart is taken away and I'm left with an empty feeling on my chest, it is okay to act like a spoiled five-year-old. But I think that this feeling of mine has gone overboard. I have been like this for the past two days and I am putting a stop to it right now. I believe it's time to build the bridge I burned once again. It's time to move on and get over it. He is not the only important matter in my life. If he has no time for me then fine, I won't bug him. As I've said, I am not mad, just very very numb. And it has already started to annoy my friends because I am being melodramatic about this stupid problem. Again, I am seventeen. I know what's right and wrong and I know my responsibilities. I weren't enrolled in an Ivy League to screw my life over a boy. I have a future and that's what's important. I am gonna be what I want to be, and being melodramatic doesn't get me anywhere near that dream.

Numb

I just realized I am NOT a masochist. I thought it was easy to do, but I stand corrected. Monday morning, I have a big headache probably from lack of sleep. I haven't slept well for the past three days. My brain is pretty much occupied by 70% Twilight and 30% school work. No self-preservation, no friends, no family, and certainly no boys. I felt overwhelmed though, not because of my lack of having a life, but because of how obsessed I am with Twilight. This day was different though. I felt really numb, and the reason for this is the big hole on my chest where my heart should be. I lost it. I remember last night I was too occupied finishing my previous blog about my impossible unspoken love. Hence today, that unspoken love finally gave its worst. I tried to have contact with him once again, but I failed. I never got a reply to my messages. My friend tried to text him for me. He replied. I was so pissed, but as I was kicking soccer balls in PE, the fury subsided. All I can feel was pain. So much of it that it felt like nothing, like it completely immobilized me. There were no tears, yet I couldn't smile either. I couldn't care less if a ball hit me directly on the head. I wouldn't feel it anyway. There was nothing. Just me and a big hole on my chest. I couldn't hold myself any longer. I was losing it. For the rest of the day my friends were like talking to a zombie -- very absent-minded. I wouldn't even listen to the discussion of our terror professor. If he called me for a recitation, I'll probably just stand there and babble. Finally the sun was setting. I can feel all of me setting with it. Right now I feel nothing, just the empty hollow feeling at my core. As if I lost something vital. My life is permanently altered now. Even my brain works differently... 70% Twilight, 20% school work, 10% my impossible love.

Hate That I Love You

"I burned every bridge I ever built..." -Paramore
Yes, I built a bridge to have something to get over with, but sadly, I burned it thinking I wouldn't be needing it. I thought guys like him wouldn't have the guts to hurt a girl, but I was wrong. But I don't hate him for hurting me. It's not his fault. It's just that I hate how much I love him. It wasn't until it was too late when I realized it. He was always there for me. I was just too ignorant to notice it. He cared -- obviously, but I was too busy caring for others. He was one of the first ones to ask 'what's wrong' when I am quiet. He then try to cheer me up when I don't answer. He carries my stuff and holds the door for me. I simply overlooked them. It wasn't until our paths separated when I realized that he isn't someone who lives under the shadow of someone else. He has his own light. I was just too blind to see that. I took him for granted and now I am getting what I deserve -- doom, months and months of doom. It hurts me so much when the thought that someone else is making him happy occurs to me. But I love him enough to let him go... I don't care if it kills me. My love is unspoken anyway. Sooner or later this unspoken love will start to poison me from the inside. I would die, but I would die happily knowing that he is happy. I really don't know why I am such a masochist when it comes to him. I so hate that I love him!

Twilight Day!

What a wonderful day! November 21st. This day would be a memorable day for everyone -- it's history in the making. I know you know what I'm talking about. It's the premiere of Twilight the Movie. Too bad I have to wait til the 26th before it hits my country, but just the same, I am very excited for the day ahead! I woke up a bit late today (shame). And when I did, I tuned in to E! News and The Daily 10 because I just know that the two greatest people alive are gonna be there -- Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart =] I am so obsessed XD It will be such a shame if they get to read this blog of mine, but I love them so much! I thought that they would be perfect as Edward and Bella. I simply can't wait for the movie to come out! I want to be part of this history. This is gonna be huge, I swear it will! Okay, I am talking in circles XD Well, as you readers can see, most of my blogs are quite serious, but this one...I just let myself loose, like the crazy teen Twilighter that I am. By the way, I am lisening to the soundtrack while typing this, so I am kinda not myself XD Anyway, when I first started reading the book, I fell in love instantly. It wasn't just my teenage female hormones reacting to how perfect Edward is, it was something different (ok maybe there was a little bit of female hormones =D). I must admit that the books were an easy read, but underneath the shallow words are deep meanings. I've never encountered enchanting characters and I once thought that the love that Edward and Bella share was impossible. The plot is so original and unexpected. I don't know why I am making this critique, but I know that I just feel like making a good, un-cheesy comment because I am so tired of those cheesy ones and the ones from haters. I wanted to have a say on this because I am such a big fan! Twilight changed my life forever. I was always an emo, grumpy person since I entered college and I thought I'd be like that for the rest of my life XD But since Twilight, I don't know, I became happier.. not quite as happy as I've been when I was in high school, but definitely happier =] So, from now on, even if it is just for me, I declare November 21st as Twilight day =D

Tagaytay

This blog might give away the place where I live, but I don't care
Tagaytay is the best place on Earth! It is also the hometown of my crush xP I have started going there since I was a little girl. Every weekend I anticipate a trip to Tagaytay. It is only a two-hour drive to the south from my place. The temperature there is almost always about 20-25 degrees Celsius -- the best place to run around and play. But of course as I get older, I have more and more priorities. I haven't been to my happy place for about six months now and let me tell you that it is driving me crazy! Tagaytay is the only place where I can truly relax. My best childhood days happened there. I remember horsebackriding and bowling were my favorite things to do when I go there :) I also remember climbing a tree (I did it only once), swinging on a tire until I am so high up that it feels like I'm flying, chilling out with my family at a Bulaluan (it's Tagaytay's specialty soup), and picking flowers and giving them to my mom. As years pass I outgrew those habits. Now, when I go there, my favorite thing to do is grab a cold, tall glass of halo-halo, sit somewhere off the highway and watch the world famous Taal Volcano as I freeze and become numb. I mighht have outgrown my old habits, but I know for sure that I will never outgrow my happy place, my Tagaytay.

Ice Cream

I woke up today at 5:30. Too early since my class doesn't start til one in the afternoon. But I couldn't go back to sleep. Everyone was still soundly asleep. I stared outside the window -- it was dark, too dark to be five in the morning. Winter solstice. I felt the gloom build up inside me. I'm not really a big fan of the dark. Gloom took over my morning. I decided not to let that show so I curled up with one of my favorite books, New Moon by Stephenie Meyer. But, it didn't help at all! As a matter of fact, it made everything worse. Edward's absence left me more upset than I already was. As the hours pass, mom had to leave for work and I am now home alone. Our small apartment suddenly felt like a huge mansion. The emptiness was building inside me again. But I didn't want to go to school yet. It was too early. So I decided to play with my clothes a little. Finally, I picked up my favorite blue jeans and my cream blouse, pulled my hair in a half pony tail, and left for school. When I got out of the house, I felt my inside change. I just realized that the day wasn't so gloomy after all. The sun was shining high up, and for the record, I didn't trip on something today (although I almost got hit by bicycles -- three times!). When I got to school I had a cup of vanilla ice cream with a close friend, just to pass the time since I am early for class; that's when I realized that simple things like ice cream can really make up my day. After a little chat, I went to my classroom and I no longer felt the gloom that ate up my morning. I was happy with my friends, and, can you believe it, math. I love math classes when I could easily understand the lesson. I only have one class today, so I went home early. I beat mom and everyone else home. I was alone again in the once gloomy lair, but this time the apartment didn't seem too big. It was just right. I felt no need for loneliness even though I am clearly alone. I don't understand it either, but ice cream surely made up my day =]

Goal Keeper

Today, I played as the goal keeper of our soccer team. I am never really good at sports. To be honest, I really do not have any kind of hand-eye coordination (I can dance and play a bit volleyball, but not quite well *wink*) Well, being the goal keeper, I learned quite a few things in life. Just as all the players and the ball come to you, you just concentrate, focus on the ball, wait for someone to kick it and get ready to block! Of course, there are boundaries such as the net and the penalty box. Those are the points that makes you feel helpless. As you see your teammates in the defense, you feel so helpless not being able to cross the line and do what you have to help them win the ball back. Also when the ball exceeds the penalty line, I am in control of where I want to kick the ball and how far I should kick it. Just like in life, you focus on your goal and get ready to block all the hardships. There are limitations to your strength and you can't help but feel helpless when you've reached your limits. Of course, your friends would always be there. You'd see them fighting side by side with you :) Once you've found the way, you'll have the control on how far or how huge you want your life to be. Life is hard, yes, but everything lies on you being the goal keeper of it :)

Major Headache

Another one of my ranting blogs -_-
Normal vampires don't get headaches =D but who said I was normal?! (or a vampire?) Fine! crush my little happy dream >.< (sorry about that...been obsessing over Twilight for the past month or so)
Anyway, I have a major headache going on for quite a while now.. College life is so frustrating! It all started last Monday when our grades in theology was shown to us. I never really had a problem with academics before. I mean, I do quite well in class; not just at the top though, but still, it frustrates me getting low grades like 85 and below! It's just so not me! Well, back to my story, so our professor gave me 85 as my midterm grade. I find it so unfair because I come to class everyday, I submit all his requirements on time, I participate in class discussions and groups works, well I flunked one quiz, but that was just ONE! And it wasn't like I didn't study. The quiz was essay type. I got a perfect score on the first question, but I got zero on the second question. Ugh! Since when do essays come up with right or wrong answers?! For some reason I am thinking that that professor despises me -_- Why oh why aren't I charismatic? *giggles* Next cause of major headache -- Lem. I have written about him in my previous blog. But don't get me wrong. He's still cool and different, but assigning a 429-page reading for one day with only one copy in the library, that's just wrong!(But I think I did pretty well on that closed-notes essay =] ). Added to all that schoolwork chaos are my personal problems. I still have trust issues with my friends. I am always so skeptical about their loyalty. Next problem is my brother. I think he is kinda mad at me because he was asking for a Nintendo Wii since like forever, but my parents still didn't get him one, and I ask my mom for a laptop and I got it at once. But it was a birthday and being-a-dean's-lister present. And then here I go again, having one of those dreams that crush my heart into million tiny pieces; it felt so real. I can feel him really there, and one second, poof, he disappears with some other girl saying he doesn't want me anymore. I wake up in the middle of the night with streaks of tears running down my face. If only he knew what my impossible love for him is causing me...
And there I go, waking up in the morning with a MAJOR HEADACHE.

>Meep<

Hi =] welcome to my very first blog here at blogspot.com
I am a very avid blogger. I update my blogs almost everyday =D
All my online buddies call me Bee. That is sort of my pen name. You know, just for the protection of my identity xP
Anyway, I am a teen who is in college and I've always had a dream of becoming a best-selling author. Though I am taking up psychology, I haven't given up my ultimate dream yet ;)
I've always had a thing for writing, but I really do not intend my writings to be pleasurable to others besides me, others still find my work fascinating. I really don't know why. I am pretty sure that reading this first blog of mine makes you want to dose off. Am I right? xP
Okay then, I'll make it easier for you readers. I'll cut this boring blog short. See ya ;)