Spica, my little fighter

"Don't cry because it ended. Smile because it happened." -Dr. Seuss. Smile? How can I smile about death? Death is the ultimate end -- at least for those of us who are left on this world. Spica left me just moments ago. He was a brave little hamster. He was the smallest of the pups, he was missing a hind leg, yet he knew how to assert himself to get mommy's attention. On the day he was born, I feared he would not make it. He went against everything I thought. Survival of the fittest? He did survive. Mommy hamster getting rid of the weak ones? He was strong enough. Three limbs and couldn't walk? He ran. Pass the fourteen-day crucial period for pups? He got through better than I expected. He was a fighter. I got my hopes high for him, but he did, indeed, went against my thoughts. I thought he and I would share three wonderful years together (average hamster lifespan). I thought wrong. I love all my pups, but Spica had always been special. He was the first one to get a name. Spica means the brightest star in the constellation Virgo. He was a star to me. My sister always picked on him for being slow (forgive her, she's just a kid), but I knew he was just a late bloomer and he just needed extra love and attention. I had already planned out three years of love and attention for him. I made a promise that he would live a full and happy life as if he was normal size and as if he had four limbs. Just like that, my promise was broken, just like my heart. It was unbearable to see him not moving while his siblings were excited to explore the world with their newly opened eyes. It was more devastating to go from denial to acceptance.

When I saw him this morning, he was doing great. I changed their bedding and I even hand-fed him with some cucumber. When I went to check on the pups this afternoon, some of them were napping. I assumed Spica was just doing the same. I sat with them for a while, played with those who are awake, and one by one the sleeping pups stirred and got up to play. Spica was just lying there even after his siblings nudged him. I was in complete denial. I checked back a few minutes only to find him in the same position. Tears began to trickle down my face. It was my first time to be present at my pet's death. It was a sight that would haunt me forever. It is so difficult for me to accept that I can never feel Spica's warm fur and wriggly body on my palm again, yet I can't help but think he is in a much better place now.

I know I am probably not the best pet owner in the world, but I am very thankful that I was blessed with Spica and all my seven other hamsters. At the beginning of this entry I was complete devastated, but as I went on, I come to realize that yes, I can smile because it happened. I can smile because Spica is truly where he belongs -- in the night sky. They say stars are there because they are tiny openings from Heaven so that our loved ones that passed away could watch us. He would always be that star that watches me. We may never share great moments anymore, but we made great memories; hence, death is not the ultimate end, but a journey that makes us stronger.

Spica -- July 14, 2011-July 30, 2011. Thank you for teaching me that I can take on the world no matter what. This is a very sad day for me, but in this darkness, the thought of you being in a much happier, much comfortable place gives me the spark to create light. Never stop shining. It's time for you to share your light to someone else. Thank you, I love you.

Just another one of those "reality" shows

My opinion on The Glee Project.

This is not to cause anyone any harm. This is just an opinion. Feel free to disagree. I don't usually do reviews because I hate the idea of having to criticize something, but after seeing this week's "Tenacity" episode of The Glee Project, I just had to get all the angst off my chest. So, here it goes.

I have never missed a single satellite screening of The Glee Project. First of all, I am a huge fan of Glee, and I am very much interested in its cast members. When I heard of The Glee Project, I was very excited because finally, I get to see how things work in the Glee set, plus, I have this chance of seeing a Glee star in the making. My bet in this "reality" contest was Marissa von Bleicken. I mean, clearly, this young lady has the looks, the talent, and the attitude. Frankly, I am writing this entry due to her being eliminated.

Up until Marissa's elimination, it has never occurred to me that The Glee Project is just another one of those reality shows. It is just another gig for the producers to make money and for teenagers all over the world get their hopes up only to have them crushed. I understand that these are such strong words, but I have only said them because I am very very very disappointed with the show in the past two episodes. Glee has always been preaching about never giving up on dreams no matter what, and initially, I thought The Glee Project made big dreams attainable. I guess I thought wrong. For Marissa to be in the bottom three this week, sure, but for her to leave, it just isn't rational to me. Call it bias, but if you have seen this week's episode, I think Alex should leave. Not even that. I think he should have left last week during the "Pairabillity" episode. That is, if their top criteria for leaving is one's attitude (that's what got Marissa off, wasn't it?). I don't know Alex or Marissa personally, but with what I saw on TV, I am not convinced that Alex is better than Marissa. Anyway, enough about them. The point of this review, really, is to show my thoughts regarding the strategy behind The Glee Project. Alex, Marissa, all of the contenders, they have amazing talent. It is just sad that this "reality" show exploited their talents. It could be that I have just been blinded by my excitement at first, that I did not see that The Glee Project is too good to be true. What I'm getting at is that Glee season 3 could has been already planned out. There is already a character who would guest-star for seven episodes. The Glee Project is just another money-making show. It is as simple as that. They just have to find one kid who fits the role already made, and cast eleven other kids to "compete" with him/her.

Going back, Alex is talented, but I am sad to say that he is not the best out there, but somehow, week after week after week of being in the bottom three, he slips right back in like magic. Why? Because I think the role has already been done. The script for season 3 has already been written. I am almost 100% sure that he will win this competition. If my predictions about Alex winning are wrong, I am willing to take back everything I have said and delete this entry completely, or even write a better review (trust me, I have a lot of good things to say about the show. I am just too disappointed right now). Until then, this stays here for people to contemplate.

My David Archuleta Experience

When I passed by the mall across my house last week, I was stunned to see the big bold letters in the activity center which read "David Archuleta July 20 5PM." I just had to blink, rub my eyes and do a double take. I couldn't believe it. We are talking about THE David Archuleta here. The angelic American Idol David Archuleta! I decided I just had to be there. I asked my friends and my brother if they wanted to come with me. Of course, I thought, who wouldn't want to see David -- especially me brother. He is a bigger fan than I. However when the day came, it was, again, only me and my BFF. My brother would just have to catch up because he had to be in school that day.

So, yesterday July 20, 2011. My bff and I had lunch at around 12. We knew we had to be there extra early if we want a good view. We even bought take-outs as we knew it was going to be a long wait. A little over four hours to be exact. My wallet literally ran out of cash when we got to the event center and bought the CD to be signed by David, but for once, I was not guilty to spend all my money! I know it was half of my week's allowance, but the heck, it was obviously worth it! We got the CDs and a receipt which served as an entry stub. Four hours before the event and our numbers were 212 and 213! So the waiting began.At first we were hyped, playing endlessly with our cameras, munching on the bagful of McDonald's fries. We started making funny faces, then we made shadow puppets, then we went quiet. It was actually tiring to sit on the floor and do nothing but wait. Then finally four o'clock came. We were directed inside. Sadly, we still encountered an undisciplined crowd as the line magically vanished. It was not a riot, but it was messed up enough to shatter my mood a little. Inside the event center, we enthusiastically anticipated the moment that was to come. Well, we were super excited about it as it was our first time to have a chance to meet with a huge global phenomenon. Also, I am not really the kind of teenager who would get myself into an uncomfortable position just to see a celebrity. I am usually contented with watching and listening to them on TV or on the Internet.

My heart was racing when five o'clock hit. The crowd went wild when the host came out. As expected, there was an opening act. Well, there were two. The first was the amazingly charming Mark Alain who practically had the audience wrapped around his fingers. He literally had the whole audience singing along his rendition of 'When You Say Nothing At All.' If only he did not precede David Archuleta, I could watch this guy sing all day long. The second act by Stephanie Dan, in my opinion, had less audience impact than the first. She was amazing, especially when she started rapping B.o.B.'s part in 'Price Tag,' but for me she lacked this connection with the audience that Mark had. Either that or the crowd and I were just too excited to see David. Finally, finally! After hours of anticipation, David emerged from backstage, wearing a maroon t-shirt, jeans, and that smile that never disappears. The crowd went insanely loud and people started pushing and shoving just to get a good look or a good photo. I was left there too stunned to move or to hear what David was saying. I was, literally, starstruck. I quickly recovered and got my camera phone up when the host asked David to sing a song of his choice. David asked the crowd, and I was screaming my lungs out for 'Something 'Bout Love.' There were too many requests at once, so he settled for his latest single 'Everything and More.' When he sang, he was like an angel sent from Heaven with the mission to make people smile. It was simple, it was in a capella, it was flawless. My heart skipped a beat when he opted for another song, and he did not disappoint! He sang 'Something 'Bout Love.' My id just disconnected from my superego and took over my body. I started screaming and jumping around like a little fangirl. I was extremely dizzy, exhausted and dehydrated after the song.

I did not even catch my breath so much, yet they already started setting up the table for the autograph signing. Honestly, I was very close to hyperventilation at that moment! The thrill of waiting for my number was excruciatingly painful. I just had to have my moment with David immediately! My bff and I wander aimless through the crowd as everyone probably did the same as they waited. The wait, however, was surprisingly short-lived. When I was the second person in line, I made my move and took a stolen shot of David signing someone's CD. I had one chance, it had to be awesome. It turned out perfect! Finally, when it was my turn, I was literally speechless as I watched his hazel eyes shine and his lips curve into that smile that everyone loves. Then I immediately remembered to sneak in another piece of paper to have him sign for my brother. I did. I smiled the cutest smile that I can manage, shook his hand and said thank you. He was such a nice guy! He just couldn't wipe that smile off his face, it's amazing!

I waited for my bff as she came after me. We were jumping, screaming and squealing as we headed towards the exit. We couldn't believe our eyes! We held in our hands signed copies of David Archuleta's 'The Other Side of Down' and the warmth of a handshake with the angelic pop star (and probably a gazillion germs from the gazillion people that he shook hands with lol). I was dead beat when I got home,yet ironically, I was too energized to eat dinner or to even go to sleep. I kept thinking of my magical David Archuleta experience. Everything was more than what I expected. I will never ever forget that day!

Zarya's motherhood

My chronicles of Zarya's motherhood. It's more of an in-depth thought than the actual process itself.

Zarya is my adorable little teddy bear hamster. I guess she is not so little now that she has a litter of pups. I got her and Sirius (my boy hamster) last April 29, 2011 when they were just over four weeks old. They were tiny, smaller than the palm of my hand. Sirius seems to be the calm one, just going along and enjoying the toys that I provide them. He also has minimal issues with handling and bathing. Zarya, on the other hand, seems to be the suspicious one. She bites before sniffing anything that I give her, even my hands. However, I kept them in one cage as I have not observed violent fighting between them. Little did I know that instead of fighting, they were busy making magic happen. The day before their 10-week-old home-sweet-home anniversary (yesterday, July 14, 2011), Zarya gave birth. I think neither of us expected that Zarya would become a mother so soon. I did not notice any drastic changes in her weight, though she has been behaving like crazy for the past few days, even dragging Sirius out of their home where she built her nest. I guess when I saw the stack of bedding and food in their home, I should have suspected that she was building a nest. Silly me. Anyway, it was a good thing that I cleaned out the cage two days before this blessing happened. Then again, it was the only thing that I got right.

Day 0 - It was around 12:30 in the afternoon, I was about to have lunch, so I passed by my hamsters' cage on my way to the kitchen. I did not have my glasses on, but I was pretty sure I saw a squishy red thing on the steps of my hamsters' home. I looked closer and saw that it was moving. I thought that it was a lizard, so I took a step back and I started to panic. As Zarya was on her way down the steps, I saw that there was another one sticking out of her backside. I got my glasses and looked around to see that there were already two of those things inside their home. That's when I realized she was in the process of delivering her pups. I was so worried because Sirius was still inside the cage, and I did not have a spare cage. I have read that I should get the boy hamster out because he tends to eat the pups. Also, I have read that I should not disturb Zarya because she may also eat the pups. I called the nearest vet, no answer. I called my ever-reliable friends, my mom, my brother, my aunt, and it just so happened that everyone had something going on. I was alone, I did not know what to do, so silly me, I resorted to online help via Twitter and Facebook. Still nothing. I was in a hurry to run down the pet shop two streets away. I bought the biggest cage they have, and asked for help on handling the newborns and, of course, my dear Zarya. The shopkeeper just told me to be calm, take Sirius away for fourteen days, then try not to startle Zarya in any way. I paid, said thanks, and ran back to the condo. I felt like I was about to blow up, my hands and legs were shaking as I knew that those six pups' lives and Zarya's life depended on me. At the end of the day, I was relieved to see that the pups (I'm not sure how many there are as of now because they're all tangled together under Zarya's warm body) and my precious Zarya are doing ok. On top of that, I was able to bring my family to work together by keeping calm and avoiding shouting.

Day 1 - I woke up extra early to check on Zarya and the pups. I was disappointed to see two pups outside the nest, and it was devastating to see that Zarya ate them. It was sad and horrid, but I know that it is part of nature. I know that my little rodent is smart enough to know that those two pups would be better off in another world. Nonetheless, they are still part of the family and I have decided to name them Cherub and Skylar. I hope that they are doing much better than their short life here with me. I had a peek in the nest today. I still could not count how many pups are there, but I think there are about four wriggling and yawning little angels. I have already listed names for them, but I am gonna wait till they are weaned and sexed before I name them. I don't want to end up with a girl named Sigmund, haha.

Day 2 - Little ears start to appear on the babies' heads. I took a peek at their nest while Zarya was eating. Confirmed! There are six adorable pups. Zarya seems to be doing better as well. She leaves the nest once in every few hours to play around the cage. I am just worried that she might tire herself out.


Day 3 - I woke up this morning because mom was talking to Zarya. Apparently, three of the pups rolled out of the nest and fell on the ground floor of their two-story home through the slide. I got worried when Zarya would not carry them back upstairs with the rest of her kids, but I knew better than to carry them myself. I just had to have faith in Zarya's maternal instinct. Later on instead of moving the three pups back up, she just carried the remaining three downstairs and built a new nest there. Honestly, it was be more convenient for everyone. She wouldn't have to strain herself to go down every time she eats, the pups wouldn't be in the risk of falling again, and it would be easier for me to check on them. I am more confident now that Zarya and her pups are going to make it through the crucial two-week period.

Day 4 - not much change this day. It's just that Sirius has been acting a little down. He does not play in the wheel or the tubes. He also fell asleep in the exercise ball. I was worried that he might be sick. I examined him, but nothing seems to be wrong. I cleaned his cage. He ran around for a few minutes after that, but he slept again almost immediately after. Later that night, I moved Zarya and the babies' cage near Sirius'cage. Zarya and Sirius started sniffing. I think they recognized each other's scents. Sirius miraculously became hyperactive again. It was like he was trying to find a way to get to where Zarya was. Zarya was doing the same. It's just a cute little hamster love story on top of the wonderful blessing of six new lives.

Day 5 - I just noticed that one of the pups has a bad foot. His/her hind right leg seemed crippled. He/she also looks smaller than the rest of the pups. I guess I have found the runt in this litter. I guess he/she just needs a little extra love and attention.

Day 6 - Most of the pups already know how to walk on their own. One pup already has dark pigments which means I might go ballistic in trying to distinguish them. They might all be white!

Day 7 - My pups are a full week old! Yay! I threw them a mini cucumber party as I saw that they are already trying to munch on mommy's food. They are starting to look like little Zarya and little Sirius. One more week and they would hopefully be independent!

[TO BE CONTINUED]

Trance

In my dream last night, you were there. I was in bed, it was dawn. It was the perfect blend of cold monsoon wind and light drizzle. I checked the time from my phone. It read 5:44 a.m. I saw a text message notification. I read the message. It was from you. My conscious mind was starting to build up anger like it always does whenever you bother me with your messages full of crap. However, my unconscious mind (forgive the Freudian in me, teehee) was telling me to reply. After all, it was only a dream, what could possibly go wrong? Since I was aware it was a dream, I pushed my limits. I did not just forgive you, but I also asked you to hang out. I just thought I wanted to catch up a bit, see how an old friend is doing in a life outside of me -- or at least know what my mind tells me about you. I think you pushed your limits, too. You crossed the fine line between tolerance and 'get the hell out.' I must admit, I was naive when I was fifteen, but newsflash, dear, I will no longer fall for your old tricks. Then it happened. I acted purely on the command of my unconscious mind. I was fifteen all over again. There is just something about you that I cannot afford to lose. Something always tells me that you were a significant part of my life. You hold too many memories -- precious and bitter ones. Either way they both contributed a lot into who I am today. As hazy as the streak of light that is peeking through the wall of clouds, my mind went into a foggy trance-like state. The lies sounded like sweet music whispering in my ear, making my heart beat faster, making my head swim. I fell. I let the darkness eat me in, free falling until I could see light again. I opened my eyes to find myself scrambled on my bed, my hair a wild array of craziness. I never knew I could dream so vividly. I thought I was stupid enough to make the same mistake twice. I rubbed my eyes and let them adjust to the light. I controlled my breathing, and confirmed that I was truly awake. I checked my phone for the time, but first I saw a text message saying, "see you ;)" I checked the name of the sender and my heart sank.

No need to hurry

I wrote this as a reminder that I should not dwell on stressful things too much. I am seriously getting prematurely gray.

As I look out the window on a rainy Monday morning, I start to contemplate on the life ahead of me. It's the classic Robert Frost two-roads-diverged-in-a-yellow-wood kind of stuff. After graduating, I am just so lost! Time and age have always been sources of stress for me. This has been the very reason that I stopped celebrating my birthday since I was seventeen. It is devastating that I am about to join the world of adults as I lose the 'teen' after the number as I tell my age. I hate the idea that I am getting closer to being twenty every freaking second. I know that many would think that age is just a number or twenty is fairly young to have a 'mid-life' crisis, but it worries me deeply because I feel like I have not done anything significant yet. The past few years have been difficult. They made me into a robot that acts if commanded. I never did anything out of my own will. Maybe, just maybe, I am in this stage of identity vs. identity crisis, I don't know. Then again, this very moment right here, staring outside the city enveloped by clouds and light drizzle, listening to wonderful music, I realized there is no need to hurry. As cheesy as it sounds, happiness is indeed a journey, not a destination.

I remember back in high school when I would be as light as a feather when I go to school. I felt like floating on air simply because I paid attention to what I liked, not what others liked for me. As I went with the flow, I made significant contributions to my academic activities, my extra-curricular activities, and my social activities. I forgot how it felt to have no time to spare, yet to have enjoyed every busy minute, every meaningful phone call, text message or e-mail, every person, every success, every failure. The tears, the sweat, heck even the blood, they were not wasted because I lived. I lived for my own good. I lived to enjoy and celebrate life as it was in that moment. So after all the wasted time of living in the shadows of the expectations, I just realized that expectations are just hindrances that stopped me from achieving my full potential instead of goals that should have helped me improve my life. An expectation is an extremely heavy baggage to carry. It is a burden that I carried for the past three years. I let it overpower me. I lived by it, never thinking outside it.

As it dawned on me in this blog entry, I am flattered that people think highly of my capabilities, but from now on, the only expectation that I choose to carry is my own, and guess what? The only expectation I have of myself is to be that young lady in high school but older and definitely wiser. Hence, if I fail to do so, I have this entry to remind me that there is no need to hurry.

My Neon Green Shirt

My everyday wear is consisted of whites and pastels. The more noticeable ones are kept way back in my cabinet. The one day I decided to wear a noticeable neon green shirt, I had to embarrass myself. The shirt itself is not wrong, yet it is very very eye-catching. I liked that shirt. I bought it because its design somewhat resembles a Twitter bird (yeah, I know, I'm shallow this way). I have worn it comfortably several times in the past. A friend even said it was a nice shirt. Anyway, I decided to wear it today just because I have not worn it for a long time. Also, I would be out of the condo for only a short time as I have to run only a few errands at the mall across the street. I got dressed, tied my hair in a neat pony tail, put on a little powder, and that was it. I went down the lobby, had a nice chat with the receptionist and the security guard and off to the mall I went.

My first stop, the bank. I had to deposit money as asked by my mom. I have done it before, of course, it was no sweat.... or was it? I had written my name, my account number, the date, then I get to the denomination part. Suddenly this guy beside me asked me a question I cannot comprehend because of his accent. I was grumpy because I just got out of bed and just plain in a hurry, so without turning to look at him, I asked him to repeat his question, and thankfully I got it and was able to answer it. I continued to write when he asked me another question with regards the denomination. This time I turned to him to explain, and that's when I embarrassed myself. See, this guy is not just any guy. He is a cute Indian guy probably around my age, a few inches taller than me, rocking a body-fitting v-neck black shirt and dark jeans. He had dark eyes framed by a thick brow. His chiseled face is made prominent by the thick dark curls on his head. So I marveled at this picturesque before me. It was an instant crush. Suddenly I forgot how to fill up the rest of the slip, so I just acted as if I knew what I was saying. It's silly, stupid and embarrassing! When I approached the counter, I had to ask the teller with regards the form. As the teller was encoding my deposit, he was there in the counter next to me, having the teller explain everything! As soon as I was done, I could not wait to get out of that bank and never to see this guy whom I just embarrassed myself to. I half ran to my second stop.

My second stop was as normal as it would get. Just a long wait in line to pay the bills. After that, I made my way to my third errand, which was to buy ink for the printer. I walked hurriedly all the way from the basement to the third floor, fearing that I would bump into the Indian guy. The store was on the other side of the mall. When I got halfway through the third floor, I just had to look into the glass balcony and great, the Indian guy was on the second floor checking out some perfume. Gosh, I was in a hurry to get out of the glass and into the concrete! I tried to walk briskly yet inconspicuously. I never looked back. I just hurriedly went inside the store and buy what I have to buy and get out of the mall itself.

Call it ego centrism or paranoia or whatever you want, but I curse this day of wearing an attention-grabbing neon green shirt!