Letting go

For the last three years I didn't realize I was clinging on to a strand of thread. I didn't realize there was still a part of me that believed you would come back to save me. I have always thought that I have already accepted our fate, that you were meant to be a once upon a time, but not a happily ever after. I thought that if I brushed it aside, it would just be an unfinished story, a work of art that never gets to see the light. After thinking that I have finally moved on, I just assumed that we lived in two parallel worlds now. After all, this is a big world with 7 billion people each living different lives. Again, I assumed wrongly. I never though I'd see the day that our paths would cross again. To see you in a most unexpected time and place, it's like being doused in ice water and gasoline at the same time. My blood is chilled, but my skin is on fire, and all the words and empty promises came flooding back with a vengeance. My world started spinning in reverse, taking me back to the day that you were just gone, the day that got me started doubting myself. Was I so wrong that I deserved to be left without an explanation or even a good bye? Some nights I allowed myself to fantasize about our reunion, about how sorry you felt, and how you needed me as much as I needed you. Right in that moment when I was feeling the burn is when I realized that I have not completely let go. I thought that when you saw me, it would be as if the last three years had never been, but when our worlds collided in that brief unexpected moment, it was as if we had never been. Yes, I survived in the last three years, but I realized I was living in false hope. Perhaps I was given this moment with you as a closure. Perhaps we had never been an unfinished story. Perhaps our story was not meant to end happily, and it was meant to be a short-lived one. Whatever the reason is, I now know that you have made your choice. Today, I am making mine. You may not be my prince, but it doesn't mean that I am not a princess. It just means that I am not yours. To have my steady world shaken up, I finally realized that three years ago was the end of the line for us. I am making my choice to finally let go.

A Song of Ice and Fire books 1-5 Book Review

To all the people that I have ignored during the last four months, I'm so sorry :P This is the reason. Valar dohaeris. All men must serve.

It feels bittersweet to finally click the "set today" finished reading button. All 5,216 pages of A Song of Ice and Fire, all 5,216 pages of adventure and witty word play, victory and defeat, the Red Keep and other castles and the Wall, mead and meat, fire and blood, mountains of the Vale, snow in Winterfell, the treacherous seas surrounding Pyke, the serenity of the Water Gardens in Dorne, the heat of the Summer Isles, the stench of Slaver's Bay, the great grass sea of the Dothraki, and yet it feels like I have just scratched the surface. I want more! I don't know how fans of the first book waited over a decade to get to the fifth book, which is still far from over! This is by far the most adventurous series that I have read. I feel sorry for House Stark, not only because of the fate they suffered, but because they have the most uninteresting story line (except for Ned's past in relation with Jon Snow's birth and the possibility that he may be Lyanna and Rhaegar Targaryen's son). I feel that House Lannister was too short-lived (especially Lord Tywin, Ser Kevan and Joffrey, and Myrcella is underrated. She hasn't died in the books so I hope there is something in store for her). The Lannisters were the ones who kept half of the story line interesting, with their plots and betrayals. Cersei is one of most hated characters in the TV series, but after reading the books, I have a deep understanding of this sad woman with a serious penis envy. Only Daenerys Targaryen beat the Lannisters in holding my interest. Dany is but a child who has been through so much. Her character is built fit for a queen (and yes, I am raising my banner for Her Grace). However, in the game of thrones, you win or you die, which is why I don't think I'll ever cure the book hangover from this series even after the release of the final book (is book 8 really the end?). Now excuse me while I sit in a corner and deal with my sepanx, counting down the days till season 6 (and the next books please!). I have so much more thoughts about this series, but I think this will suffice for now. #bookreview #bookworm #bookwormproblems #bibliophile #bookhangover #sepanx #gameofthrones #GoT #housestark #houselannister #cerseilannister #housetargaryen #daenerystargaryen #westeros 

Inside out

Fate has a funny way of turning a person inside out. Yesterday I slept a wide-eyed believer, today I woke up a cynic. Usually it takes one black hole to suck out all the magic dust that makes your world sparkle. Mine happened four times in the span of three years. The first one left me with so much despair, the second with fury, the third with blinding hope, the fourth with a cyclone that had me swirling, not knowing when or if I will ever land safely somewhere. Anger powered the cyclone for the past few years - anger towards someone who has caused the black hole leaving nothing but pain over and over. Then in a snap of a finger, I woke up with the reality that I have no one to blame but myself. I put myself out in the open, allowed myself to be vulnerable. I should be angry at me, and frankly, I am. How can I begin to trust myself again if I am so blind, or so in denial, of the facts that are biting at my face? The scratches and scars might have made me stronger, but am I any wiser? The real world is cold and grey and harsh, and I am my only armor. I am lost in this dark path. I am helpless, blind, and stupid. I do not know what to believe in anymore. Fate must be cracking up hysterically at me. Fate has succeeded in turning me inside out.

Second

Twenty one years and still counting. I am actually surprised by my ability to exist. After all, I am a nothing anyway. When I'm there, it seems like I'm not, and when I'm not there, nothing's different altogether. I am a ghost of anger, regret and resentment. Sometimes I wonder why I was even brought to this life. I don't think I'll ever truly understand my purpose. Humans were supposed to be made from love, right? It's what separates them from other living creatures. I guess I'm not even that. I guess I do understand that my purpose in this life is to be the forgotten, miserable one - simply there to make everyone else think that they are lucky to not be me. I just wish I could be somebody for just one day. Anybody. I wish I knew how it feels like to be someone's daughter, someone's sister, someone's best friend, someone's lover. I wish I knew how it feels to be number one. I am always second choice, and second choice is practically nothing. I don't know what I did that was so horrible that I deserved this nothingness. I am obedient, punctual, I never break the rules, I smile to almost anything. Was that so horrible? I am getting sick of this life, this emptiness, that sometimes I wonder what it's like to be in another life. Many times as I let the tears drop to my pillow, I considered taking that journey; but I have this fear that even after a hundred lifetimes, I would still be everyone else's number two.

Goodbye, sunshine

My little taste of heaven left me wanting more. Unfortunately, more is evading me once again. Once again, I am left hanging, waiting to be consumed by my internal demons. I was such a fool for believing I finally found my home. I forgot that I was a wanderer, a nomad. Now I have to pay the price for breaking the world's balance. My happiness, my sweet little ball of sunshine, shall be taken away. My strength, my will, my very core, gone in a blink of an eye. I belong to darkness now. I curled up in a pathetic ball of loneliness and confusion, waiting for someone who I knew wouldn't come. I expected lots of tears, yet none would come. Maybe it's because I knew that I would be defeated from the very start. I was simply blinded by my sunshine. His radiance lifted me so high up that when he flickered off I fell hard. My vision blurred when I hit the ground face first. I tried to blink several times, reaching my hands out to you, but all I touched was thin air. I shivered and shut my eyes. Why can't I open my eyes? I was too frustrated then to notice that I had my eyes open all along. I was simply looking out into an endless night. There was no light, there was no him. I tried to sit up and found my limp body was aching everywhere. I was confused. I called out his name. Silence stretched on and on along with the darkness. I was alone. I stood up and wandered aimlessly. This felt oddly familiar. A nomad, that's was I was. I was meant to do this. I knew at that moment that I would never see my sunshine ever again. I did not cry, I did not blame him or anyone. I just felt numb. I closed my eyes one more time. The wind picked up speed and I shivered once more. When I opened my eyes to the same old darkness, I whispered to the roaring wind, "goodbye, sunshine."

Hopeless case

I offered you my fragile heart -- my mangled heart held together with what little hope I have left. I surrendered my soul to you. I was bared into my very being, raw and pure just for you. I held out my hand and reached for yours. I listened, I watched, I touched, I loved. I gave my all only to be treated like I don't exist. Frankly, I should have known. I should have listened when they said I was going to walk barefoot on broken glass. My bad. For a second there, I saw the broken glass as sparkling diamonds. I walked into my own agony. My feeling of betrayal should be non-existent. It's not like you reeled me in. I took the bait all on my own. I was just foolish to believe that I was finally being saved when in fact I was being captured. My poor heart could only take so much. All I could do was detach mind from my aching body. I watched myself from afar. I was curled into a ball of pathetic. Then the strangest thing happened. I laughed. I laughed at my silly notion that someone finally came to rescue me from this cold and lonely world. I should just face the fact that there is nothing more for me but the hustle and bustle of everyday life. I was born alone, I live alone, and I will die alone. No one will ever find me, and no one will ever save me because there was just nothing to save me from. I let my mind drift on and off, let a few silent tears slide down my cheeks, let my heart mourn for what I thought I lost but was actually never mine. I had to learn the hard way, I get it now. I am different. I will always be different. I will always be the girl behind the barred cage, envious of love and warmth and belongingness that others take for granted. Me, I belong in this cage where others can look but cannot touch. I don't even know why I keep trying to break free. This is it for me. There is no other way, there is no hope. Now that I have learned my place, I will quietly hold back the pieces of what used to be my heart and keep them with me as a reminder of who I am.

Went all the way, 2012. Hello, Lucky 13!

Ah, it's that time of the year again. My year-end summary blog. It's time for my annual reality check, to look back on the year that was and to look beyond the horizon for the year to come. So, I'm starting a little early this year as I would be going away on the 29th and I would be reporting back to work on the 2nd of January. These next three days are practically my free-est time. Okay, enough with my gibberish and on with the real stuff.

2012 as been feared by many due to another end-of-the-world conspiracy. I guess that's what pushed me to go all the way in 2012. I never really believed in theories on the apocalypse, though I do believe that someday, the world would come to an end. And if that happens in my lifetime, I don't want to be frozen at childhood. So, I'm a pretty late bloomer, but hey, better late than never. Then again, it wasn't just my philosophy that made me grow up. People did. Good and bad and everything in between. More and more time spent away from the familiar loving of my family and best friends meant that I had more time to explore the unknown. I learned a lot this year, especially about myself. My new-found friends helped a lot in uncovering myself. They showed me how to laugh at myself and how to accept my mistakes with humility. They reminded me that I am not a student who has to be always right anymore. I am a human being who makes mistakes and creates ways to correct them. They have accepted me and my flaws with utmost grace, and have probably taught me how to love unconditionally. While I slowly discover my uncharted beautiful soul, my job keeps my feet on the ground. I don't have the most fabulous job in the world. I am just a lowly clerk who follows orders from my boss. It keeps me grounded. It reminds me that even though I am beyond amazing sometimes, I am not perfect. I guess the job itself is just part of it. The bigger part that keeps my head deflated is Boogeywoman. I have written an unfinished blog about her in the past. I just couldn't bring myself to publish all the inhumane and unjust things she does. Anyway, thanks to her mean ways, I learn to look back every once in a while just to check that I don't step on anyone's toe. Ah, 2012, you have turned me to a different person! Learn from the past, check. Live in the present, check. Let the future be what it would be, checkeroo! 2012, we shall part on a good note. I will always remember you as an end of an old era and a beginning of a new and improved rule. You taught me to go all the way, and I did, and I shall continue going doing just that.

With that, I say hello to lucky 2013 with a whole new mantra, shine. One word is all I need to keep me going in the year to come. I want to be able to step away from the shadows and into the spotlight. I have had the knowledge, I am developing my skills, and now I want to apply what I have learned. I want to immerse myself in different facets of life and hopefully find my happy place. I want to engage myself with real people and real problems. I guess part of growing up is shedding the drama. I want to get on the stage and take my friends up with me so we can enjoy the applause together. I want to get to know different people, see how they are, and learn who I really am. Who knows, it might just be my lucky 13?