Second

Twenty one years and still counting. I am actually surprised by my ability to exist. After all, I am a nothing anyway. When I'm there, it seems like I'm not, and when I'm not there, nothing's different altogether. I am a ghost of anger, regret and resentment. Sometimes I wonder why I was even brought to this life. I don't think I'll ever truly understand my purpose. Humans were supposed to be made from love, right? It's what separates them from other living creatures. I guess I'm not even that. I guess I do understand that my purpose in this life is to be the forgotten, miserable one - simply there to make everyone else think that they are lucky to not be me. I just wish I could be somebody for just one day. Anybody. I wish I knew how it feels like to be someone's daughter, someone's sister, someone's best friend, someone's lover. I wish I knew how it feels to be number one. I am always second choice, and second choice is practically nothing. I don't know what I did that was so horrible that I deserved this nothingness. I am obedient, punctual, I never break the rules, I smile to almost anything. Was that so horrible? I am getting sick of this life, this emptiness, that sometimes I wonder what it's like to be in another life. Many times as I let the tears drop to my pillow, I considered taking that journey; but I have this fear that even after a hundred lifetimes, I would still be everyone else's number two.

Goodbye, sunshine

My little taste of heaven left me wanting more. Unfortunately, more is evading me once again. Once again, I am left hanging, waiting to be consumed by my internal demons. I was such a fool for believing I finally found my home. I forgot that I was a wanderer, a nomad. Now I have to pay the price for breaking the world's balance. My happiness, my sweet little ball of sunshine, shall be taken away. My strength, my will, my very core, gone in a blink of an eye. I belong to darkness now. I curled up in a pathetic ball of loneliness and confusion, waiting for someone who I knew wouldn't come. I expected lots of tears, yet none would come. Maybe it's because I knew that I would be defeated from the very start. I was simply blinded by my sunshine. His radiance lifted me so high up that when he flickered off I fell hard. My vision blurred when I hit the ground face first. I tried to blink several times, reaching my hands out to you, but all I touched was thin air. I shivered and shut my eyes. Why can't I open my eyes? I was too frustrated then to notice that I had my eyes open all along. I was simply looking out into an endless night. There was no light, there was no him. I tried to sit up and found my limp body was aching everywhere. I was confused. I called out his name. Silence stretched on and on along with the darkness. I was alone. I stood up and wandered aimlessly. This felt oddly familiar. A nomad, that's was I was. I was meant to do this. I knew at that moment that I would never see my sunshine ever again. I did not cry, I did not blame him or anyone. I just felt numb. I closed my eyes one more time. The wind picked up speed and I shivered once more. When I opened my eyes to the same old darkness, I whispered to the roaring wind, "goodbye, sunshine."

Hopeless case

I offered you my fragile heart -- my mangled heart held together with what little hope I have left. I surrendered my soul to you. I was bared into my very being, raw and pure just for you. I held out my hand and reached for yours. I listened, I watched, I touched, I loved. I gave my all only to be treated like I don't exist. Frankly, I should have known. I should have listened when they said I was going to walk barefoot on broken glass. My bad. For a second there, I saw the broken glass as sparkling diamonds. I walked into my own agony. My feeling of betrayal should be non-existent. It's not like you reeled me in. I took the bait all on my own. I was just foolish to believe that I was finally being saved when in fact I was being captured. My poor heart could only take so much. All I could do was detach mind from my aching body. I watched myself from afar. I was curled into a ball of pathetic. Then the strangest thing happened. I laughed. I laughed at my silly notion that someone finally came to rescue me from this cold and lonely world. I should just face the fact that there is nothing more for me but the hustle and bustle of everyday life. I was born alone, I live alone, and I will die alone. No one will ever find me, and no one will ever save me because there was just nothing to save me from. I let my mind drift on and off, let a few silent tears slide down my cheeks, let my heart mourn for what I thought I lost but was actually never mine. I had to learn the hard way, I get it now. I am different. I will always be different. I will always be the girl behind the barred cage, envious of love and warmth and belongingness that others take for granted. Me, I belong in this cage where others can look but cannot touch. I don't even know why I keep trying to break free. This is it for me. There is no other way, there is no hope. Now that I have learned my place, I will quietly hold back the pieces of what used to be my heart and keep them with me as a reminder of who I am.