Letting go

For the last three years I didn't realize I was clinging on to a strand of thread. I didn't realize there was still a part of me that believed you would come back to save me. I have always thought that I have already accepted our fate, that you were meant to be a once upon a time, but not a happily ever after. I thought that if I brushed it aside, it would just be an unfinished story, a work of art that never gets to see the light. After thinking that I have finally moved on, I just assumed that we lived in two parallel worlds now. After all, this is a big world with 7 billion people each living different lives. Again, I assumed wrongly. I never though I'd see the day that our paths would cross again. To see you in a most unexpected time and place, it's like being doused in ice water and gasoline at the same time. My blood is chilled, but my skin is on fire, and all the words and empty promises came flooding back with a vengeance. My world started spinning in reverse, taking me back to the day that you were just gone, the day that got me started doubting myself. Was I so wrong that I deserved to be left without an explanation or even a good bye? Some nights I allowed myself to fantasize about our reunion, about how sorry you felt, and how you needed me as much as I needed you. Right in that moment when I was feeling the burn is when I realized that I have not completely let go. I thought that when you saw me, it would be as if the last three years had never been, but when our worlds collided in that brief unexpected moment, it was as if we had never been. Yes, I survived in the last three years, but I realized I was living in false hope. Perhaps I was given this moment with you as a closure. Perhaps we had never been an unfinished story. Perhaps our story was not meant to end happily, and it was meant to be a short-lived one. Whatever the reason is, I now know that you have made your choice. Today, I am making mine. You may not be my prince, but it doesn't mean that I am not a princess. It just means that I am not yours. To have my steady world shaken up, I finally realized that three years ago was the end of the line for us. I am making my choice to finally let go.

A Song of Ice and Fire books 1-5 Book Review

To all the people that I have ignored during the last four months, I'm so sorry :P This is the reason. Valar dohaeris. All men must serve.

It feels bittersweet to finally click the "set today" finished reading button. All 5,216 pages of A Song of Ice and Fire, all 5,216 pages of adventure and witty word play, victory and defeat, the Red Keep and other castles and the Wall, mead and meat, fire and blood, mountains of the Vale, snow in Winterfell, the treacherous seas surrounding Pyke, the serenity of the Water Gardens in Dorne, the heat of the Summer Isles, the stench of Slaver's Bay, the great grass sea of the Dothraki, and yet it feels like I have just scratched the surface. I want more! I don't know how fans of the first book waited over a decade to get to the fifth book, which is still far from over! This is by far the most adventurous series that I have read. I feel sorry for House Stark, not only because of the fate they suffered, but because they have the most uninteresting story line (except for Ned's past in relation with Jon Snow's birth and the possibility that he may be Lyanna and Rhaegar Targaryen's son). I feel that House Lannister was too short-lived (especially Lord Tywin, Ser Kevan and Joffrey, and Myrcella is underrated. She hasn't died in the books so I hope there is something in store for her). The Lannisters were the ones who kept half of the story line interesting, with their plots and betrayals. Cersei is one of most hated characters in the TV series, but after reading the books, I have a deep understanding of this sad woman with a serious penis envy. Only Daenerys Targaryen beat the Lannisters in holding my interest. Dany is but a child who has been through so much. Her character is built fit for a queen (and yes, I am raising my banner for Her Grace). However, in the game of thrones, you win or you die, which is why I don't think I'll ever cure the book hangover from this series even after the release of the final book (is book 8 really the end?). Now excuse me while I sit in a corner and deal with my sepanx, counting down the days till season 6 (and the next books please!). I have so much more thoughts about this series, but I think this will suffice for now. #bookreview #bookworm #bookwormproblems #bibliophile #bookhangover #sepanx #gameofthrones #GoT #housestark #houselannister #cerseilannister #housetargaryen #daenerystargaryen #westeros 

Inside out

Fate has a funny way of turning a person inside out. Yesterday I slept a wide-eyed believer, today I woke up a cynic. Usually it takes one black hole to suck out all the magic dust that makes your world sparkle. Mine happened four times in the span of three years. The first one left me with so much despair, the second with fury, the third with blinding hope, the fourth with a cyclone that had me swirling, not knowing when or if I will ever land safely somewhere. Anger powered the cyclone for the past few years - anger towards someone who has caused the black hole leaving nothing but pain over and over. Then in a snap of a finger, I woke up with the reality that I have no one to blame but myself. I put myself out in the open, allowed myself to be vulnerable. I should be angry at me, and frankly, I am. How can I begin to trust myself again if I am so blind, or so in denial, of the facts that are biting at my face? The scratches and scars might have made me stronger, but am I any wiser? The real world is cold and grey and harsh, and I am my only armor. I am lost in this dark path. I am helpless, blind, and stupid. I do not know what to believe in anymore. Fate must be cracking up hysterically at me. Fate has succeeded in turning me inside out.