Inside out

Fate has a funny way of turning a person inside out. Yesterday I slept a wide-eyed believer, today I woke up a cynic. Usually it takes one black hole to suck out all the magic dust that makes your world sparkle. Mine happened four times in the span of three years. The first one left me with so much despair, the second with fury, the third with blinding hope, the fourth with a cyclone that had me swirling, not knowing when or if I will ever land safely somewhere. Anger powered the cyclone for the past few years - anger towards someone who has caused the black hole leaving nothing but pain over and over. Then in a snap of a finger, I woke up with the reality that I have no one to blame but myself. I put myself out in the open, allowed myself to be vulnerable. I should be angry at me, and frankly, I am. How can I begin to trust myself again if I am so blind, or so in denial, of the facts that are biting at my face? The scratches and scars might have made me stronger, but am I any wiser? The real world is cold and grey and harsh, and I am my only armor. I am lost in this dark path. I am helpless, blind, and stupid. I do not know what to believe in anymore. Fate must be cracking up hysterically at me. Fate has succeeded in turning me inside out.