Chapter one

Eyes half closed, I had to drag myself out of my bed grumpily. It was early Saturday morning, supposedly my favorite time of the week, but I had to get up and report to the office. My boss wanted me to assist in this technical seminar. My eyes flew open as  I glanced at the clock and I immediately headed for the pot of hot water to make myself my morning tea. As I waited for my tea, I looked out the window and I groaned. It rained more than cats and dogs the previous night. The streets are flooded. I should know, I stayed up until two in the morning talking on the phone with my best friend. I groaned even more. I shouldn't have stayed up so late - or early! I needed my best, most presentable look today. After all, I will be walking around a room full of men. I don't need to look like some professional boxer punched my eyes and as if that is not bad enough, yanked my unruly hair as well. Ugh, I just have to make do with what I have. I drank my tea, brushed my teeth and pulled out my green dress. It was the only decent piece of girly clothing I have. Well, it's not like I was trying to seduce them, I just needed them to not laugh at my appearance. Men could be obnoxious sometimes and I needed to handle myself with grace in this one. I stared at my reflection after my shower. Why can't beauty come effortlessly? I was even grumpier then than when I first woke up. While raking my fingers through my wet curls, I thought about the day ahead. My thoughts immediately lingered on BA. He is the personification of adorable. I just met him the day before. He is the assistant of the seminar's facilitator, head of one of our company's biggest suppliers - our guests. Someone new for me as it was rare that I was exposed to people outside our office. BA gave an adorably shy half-smile when I beamed at him and introduced myself. My boss acquainted us so that I can take care of our guests' concerns because apparently, it was agreed that my boss would take care of the logistics. Well, at least he took care of delegating that task to me. MC from purchasing dept who knew BA and his boss helped me the day before, but today I would be on my own as I babysat the twenty something obnoxious technical staff, taking care of their needs so as they don't bother the facilitator and his crew. Yep, my task for the day was basically to babysit. Oh well, I was getting paid double for that anyway. I got to the venue quite early as I would need some time to prepare for our guests' arrival. Some of our staff were already there. True enough, they were quite obnoxious. I haven't had the time to set my bag down and already they were asking for coffee. I got what they wanted and sat quietly at the very back of the room. My peace didn't last long though. They kept badgering me for pens, papers, water, the comfort room and worst of all a date. I sighed inwardly. If obnoxious men like these find me attractive in my horrible mood, why can't decent men like me at my sweetest? The intercom system disrupted my thoughts. Our guests just arrived. I had to fetch them. I was at the doorway of the conference hall when I was startled by boxes. Really? Is it moving day? I didn't expect our guests to bring along so much stuff. I frowned and asked for the janitor's help. The last of the boxes was carried effortlessly by BA. I smiled sweetly. He walked past me without even a single nod and frankly, I was hurt. What a way to top off my already bad mood. A little while later, I forced myself to smile and be a good host as the facilitator arrived. I politely introduced myself and I even shook the old man's hand. I asked if he needed anything else, and I was glad to hear that he was all set. His materials were being taken care of by BA and his other staff, so I turned to them and asked them. They said they got it. I felt awkward and embarrassed for no apparent reason. I made my way at my refuge at the very back of the room, stopping to glare at some flirtatious comments from the technical staff. Once at the back, I couldn't help but stare at BA. Honestly, I was disappointed and I was lingering on my insecurities. Was I really that unattractive or was I overtly, unbelievably sweet or awkward or was he simply not interested in me? Okay, to be honest I find him cute and I wanted to get to know him better, and yes, I was flirty with my lashes batting, eyes tantalizing, hair flipping, lips smiling, legs swinging, dress flowing, touch lingering, and the list goes on. I must have been embarrassing to watch as I was generally a quiet girl who sat and waited, never the first to have made a move. That was a first for me so I probably looked more like a fool than a lady. I groaned inwardly wishing that my literary heroine at the time - Anastasia Steele - would rub off some of her femininity to me. After about two hours of nothing, I walked towards the comfort room, and as I was the only female in the building, the comfort room really lived up to its name. Exactly what I needed. Alone time. I stared at my reflection again and I saw a child staring back at me. It's no wonder why I only get compliments from older men. They think of me as their daughter and as a rule of thumb, you always have to praise your daughter. Boys my age, they ignored me probably because they think they still have to babysit me. I was starting to question my development. I accepted the fact that BA would probably never talk to me or probably not even look my way. I smoothed my curls and my dress and headed back to hell. Lunch, much to my surprise, was being served to the attendees by none other than BA and the other staff. I was secretly thankful for that because I didn't want to walk around those gawking group of men as I brought them their stomachs' satisfaction. I fetched myself a glass of water instead and when I turned back I was surprised as BA handed me a packed lunch, a small smile on his cute face. I smiled back shyly and thanked him, reached out to take the food but very carefully because I didn't want to brush my fingers to his. I would probably explode with the slightest contact. I made my way back to my home base and the seat next to me was suddenly occupied by the facilitator. Oh well, if I couldn't get to BA yet I could at least get his boss to like me. I made small talk until some jerk stirred me away. I sighed again as I thought I would never have a chance with BA. The day flew by in a haze of misery, boredom and surprisingly, acceptance.  I just thought that the sun was rising in my world again, but just as I was enjoying the light, I also began to chase the dusk. Impossible. Bittersweet acceptance washed through me as I thought that again, nothing has changed.

I went about my life as usual. Merely existing, living in black and white. The week passed by and I was so caught up in BA that I ended up telling MC about my crush on the guy. The week was a rollercoaster ride of jeering and cheering and before I knew it, it was Friday. I stretched my arms and swung my legs out of bed and when I stood up, I immediately fell back down. Whoah, head rush! I calmed my breathing and touched my neck then my forehead. I had a fever. I curled in a fetal position and groaned to my mom that I wouldn't want to get up and head to the office. I guess I deserved a break from all the frustrating things that happened in my life in and out of the office. I lazed around the bed all day and by mid afternoon I got bored and called the office. The receptionists were telling me a fascinating horror story. After our little chat I asked to be transferred to my department. My fellow HR staff was then chatting with me, telling me the things that I have missed for the day. Then she told me MC from purchasing dept was looking for me. I let myself wonder why, as if I didn't already know. I was immediately mortified. I asked to be connected to MC and she confirmed my theory - she straightforwardly told BA my little crush on him. God, I couldn't ever show my face to him ever again!

By the next week, I was feeling tired, but as jolly as my old self as I cracked my eyes open at the crack of Friday dawn. I got ready for the last workday of the week. I pulled out the first pieces of clothing that my hands touched. Ah, my trusty too-big-for-me polo shirt and my black leggings. My homey look would do for casual Friday. I chatted animatedly with my officemates. Being the youngest in the office, I was almost always the 'class clown.' As I was at the reception area with my back turned against the doorway, I was making silly moves and actions while making fun of something I was complaining about. I turned my head half-way then did a sudden double take. There he was, BA! I turned my attention to the receptionists and squealed then before he could see me, I made my escape to my department office. I leaned my back flat against the door while I panted and shook and tried to calm my too-loud breathing and frantic heartbeat. What a graceful way to handle things, I thought to myself. I was lost. The three worried and shocked faces of my fellow HR staff brought me back to the ground. They were looking at me when it hit me that I had some explaining to do after the just-seen-a-ghost look on my face. I smiled shyly as I finally spilled about my new-found crush and that he was there, under the same roof as me. Of course, my girls wanted to see him, but I stopped them as I wouldn't want to embarrass myself more. It was enough that he probably thought I was too eager (i.e. my uber sweetness from our first encounter) or that he already knew my little crush on him or that he probably saw me acting crazy then suddenly running away. I didn't need any more reason for him to think I am a total lunatic sending him complete strangers and rub it more on his face that a total lunatic has a crush on him. As my heart went back to its usual thud, I went about my usual work. I grabbed some paperwork and headed out to the opposite side of the building towards the Executive Office. I passed through the reception, then at the blind curve just before the long corridor, I almost literally bumped into someone. My subconscious knew who it was before my conscious mind could react. Neurons were involuntarily fired to the sides of my mouth bringing them up to a wide goofy grin. Of course, my subconscious would be expecting BA! My conscious mind just wasn't as positive. Unfortunately, I mean, fortunately, my subconscious was always right. BA stared at me and smiled in recognition. I gaped at him with that stupid smile plastered on my face. A million thoughts and questions raced in my head but I couldn't find my voice. All I could come up with was a "hi." He also said hi and continued to walk away. I couldn't help but follow him with my gaze. I was a train wreck of emotions,  but humiliation was on top of them all. He probably thought of me as a weird, crazy, foolish girl who has is head over heels him. Great, I'll remember to put that in my tombstone when I die of embarrassment. After a while my rational thoughts told me that BA might not think that. He could have thought that my crush on him was something that MC made up. I calmly went back to my table, and started our IM system and popped a message to MC. I was typing furiously fast as excitement ran in my veins. I was saying that I saw BA and that I was shaking and I was wondering what was happening to me. She immediately replied that it must be love but I vehemently denied it and played it down to a simple crush, which was of course, the truth. Just as I continued to verbalize my swooning to her, she suddenly popped me a "hi" which I found really odd but I ignored it thinking she was being random to keep me calm. By afternoon coffee break, I was calm enough to get up and put something in my stomach. MC was also in the cafeteria. She pulled me aside before I could get my food. I must have still looked flushed. She touched my forehead and asked me if I was fine. I nodded. I could tell she was excited about something so I kept my excitement level to minimum. She indifferently asked me if I noticed something odd in our IM a little while back. Panic was building in my tummy but I innocently said no. No, no, no, it cannot be! She then voiced out my worst thoughts. That "hi" that popped in our IMing, it came from BA. I wanted to combust right then and there. If he thought of me as crazy before, he probably thought of me as a completely different species now. The next time I see him, he'd probably look me up and down and shake his head hopelessly at me, or worse, he'd completely tune me out of his world forever. I couldn't be more mortified! This time there was no denying it. The words "I have a crush on you" practically came from me, verbatim! I was suddenly not so hungry anymore.

Embarrassed. Mortified. Ashamed. Humiliated. Degraded. These words are the best title there is for chapter one. I thought I grew up and was mature enough to deal with a crush, but apparently, my inexperience brought me back to a schoolgirl blushing scarlet at the sight of the campus hearthrob. Honestly, I don't know if this is the beginning of a beautiful story or just another cliffhanger where the beginning is also the end. I hope for the former. I wrote this entry as something I could look back on after a few months, years, I don't know how long, but when I do, this will be a reminder that I was once a crazy girl who would go a vast distance of craziness for something or someone. I was a total lunatic with potential. And who knows? Chapter one might lead to a happily ever after.