Went all the way, 2012. Hello, Lucky 13!

Ah, it's that time of the year again. My year-end summary blog. It's time for my annual reality check, to look back on the year that was and to look beyond the horizon for the year to come. So, I'm starting a little early this year as I would be going away on the 29th and I would be reporting back to work on the 2nd of January. These next three days are practically my free-est time. Okay, enough with my gibberish and on with the real stuff.

2012 as been feared by many due to another end-of-the-world conspiracy. I guess that's what pushed me to go all the way in 2012. I never really believed in theories on the apocalypse, though I do believe that someday, the world would come to an end. And if that happens in my lifetime, I don't want to be frozen at childhood. So, I'm a pretty late bloomer, but hey, better late than never. Then again, it wasn't just my philosophy that made me grow up. People did. Good and bad and everything in between. More and more time spent away from the familiar loving of my family and best friends meant that I had more time to explore the unknown. I learned a lot this year, especially about myself. My new-found friends helped a lot in uncovering myself. They showed me how to laugh at myself and how to accept my mistakes with humility. They reminded me that I am not a student who has to be always right anymore. I am a human being who makes mistakes and creates ways to correct them. They have accepted me and my flaws with utmost grace, and have probably taught me how to love unconditionally. While I slowly discover my uncharted beautiful soul, my job keeps my feet on the ground. I don't have the most fabulous job in the world. I am just a lowly clerk who follows orders from my boss. It keeps me grounded. It reminds me that even though I am beyond amazing sometimes, I am not perfect. I guess the job itself is just part of it. The bigger part that keeps my head deflated is Boogeywoman. I have written an unfinished blog about her in the past. I just couldn't bring myself to publish all the inhumane and unjust things she does. Anyway, thanks to her mean ways, I learn to look back every once in a while just to check that I don't step on anyone's toe. Ah, 2012, you have turned me to a different person! Learn from the past, check. Live in the present, check. Let the future be what it would be, checkeroo! 2012, we shall part on a good note. I will always remember you as an end of an old era and a beginning of a new and improved rule. You taught me to go all the way, and I did, and I shall continue going doing just that.

With that, I say hello to lucky 2013 with a whole new mantra, shine. One word is all I need to keep me going in the year to come. I want to be able to step away from the shadows and into the spotlight. I have had the knowledge, I am developing my skills, and now I want to apply what I have learned. I want to immerse myself in different facets of life and hopefully find my happy place. I want to engage myself with real people and real problems. I guess part of growing up is shedding the drama. I want to get on the stage and take my friends up with me so we can enjoy the applause together. I want to get to know different people, see how they are, and learn who I really am. Who knows, it might just be my lucky 13?

Wake up call

Everything could have been so easy. But they're not. Everything could have fallen into their right places. But they didn't. It's probably the time lapse, it's probably the distance, or it's probably the fact that you two are just not meant to be. You couldn't accept that, could you? You are a sweet young lady. Inexperienced, maybe, but pretty and sassy if you choose to be. You light up the world with your smile, especially his. And you don't deny that he lights up yours, too. He's the fudge of your sundae and the icing of your cake. Smooth and sweet and satisfies your every urge. But then as the old saying goes, you can't have your cake and eat it too. He's not yours, my dear. He belongs to someone else. I know you choose to be unfazed by a ring or a contract, or the hell, society, but would you consider thinking for a moment? You can do better than this. You are not some tramp who he has dangling by a thread threatening to break any moment causing permanent and irrevocable damage to you and you alone. Believe me, after he's mangled you, you'd be lying on the ground, seeping instead of bleeding, like hell suddenly turned icy cold instead of fiery. And him? He'll be going to his warm home filled with love and you'll be nothing but a collectible that will soon be forgotten in the attic. You're nothing but a diversion because you are too good to be true, but you don't believe it. He has put you on a pedestal, exposing you, practically worshiping you, and you like it. You like what no one else but him has given you. You crave it like it's your next meal. You crave the attention. I don't blame you, honey. It's lonely on top, so I've heard. You, you're top of the class, the best of the best. You're everyone's apple of the eye, the cherry on top. You don't have to reduce yourself to a rag, used and to be thrown away. You don't need his sickeningly sweet syrup to make you feel good. You are amazing you, and that's all that matters. Do the right thing, and everything will be easy, everything will fall into their places.

Chapter one

Eyes half closed, I had to drag myself out of my bed grumpily. It was early Saturday morning, supposedly my favorite time of the week, but I had to get up and report to the office. My boss wanted me to assist in this technical seminar. My eyes flew open as  I glanced at the clock and I immediately headed for the pot of hot water to make myself my morning tea. As I waited for my tea, I looked out the window and I groaned. It rained more than cats and dogs the previous night. The streets are flooded. I should know, I stayed up until two in the morning talking on the phone with my best friend. I groaned even more. I shouldn't have stayed up so late - or early! I needed my best, most presentable look today. After all, I will be walking around a room full of men. I don't need to look like some professional boxer punched my eyes and as if that is not bad enough, yanked my unruly hair as well. Ugh, I just have to make do with what I have. I drank my tea, brushed my teeth and pulled out my green dress. It was the only decent piece of girly clothing I have. Well, it's not like I was trying to seduce them, I just needed them to not laugh at my appearance. Men could be obnoxious sometimes and I needed to handle myself with grace in this one. I stared at my reflection after my shower. Why can't beauty come effortlessly? I was even grumpier then than when I first woke up. While raking my fingers through my wet curls, I thought about the day ahead. My thoughts immediately lingered on BA. He is the personification of adorable. I just met him the day before. He is the assistant of the seminar's facilitator, head of one of our company's biggest suppliers - our guests. Someone new for me as it was rare that I was exposed to people outside our office. BA gave an adorably shy half-smile when I beamed at him and introduced myself. My boss acquainted us so that I can take care of our guests' concerns because apparently, it was agreed that my boss would take care of the logistics. Well, at least he took care of delegating that task to me. MC from purchasing dept who knew BA and his boss helped me the day before, but today I would be on my own as I babysat the twenty something obnoxious technical staff, taking care of their needs so as they don't bother the facilitator and his crew. Yep, my task for the day was basically to babysit. Oh well, I was getting paid double for that anyway. I got to the venue quite early as I would need some time to prepare for our guests' arrival. Some of our staff were already there. True enough, they were quite obnoxious. I haven't had the time to set my bag down and already they were asking for coffee. I got what they wanted and sat quietly at the very back of the room. My peace didn't last long though. They kept badgering me for pens, papers, water, the comfort room and worst of all a date. I sighed inwardly. If obnoxious men like these find me attractive in my horrible mood, why can't decent men like me at my sweetest? The intercom system disrupted my thoughts. Our guests just arrived. I had to fetch them. I was at the doorway of the conference hall when I was startled by boxes. Really? Is it moving day? I didn't expect our guests to bring along so much stuff. I frowned and asked for the janitor's help. The last of the boxes was carried effortlessly by BA. I smiled sweetly. He walked past me without even a single nod and frankly, I was hurt. What a way to top off my already bad mood. A little while later, I forced myself to smile and be a good host as the facilitator arrived. I politely introduced myself and I even shook the old man's hand. I asked if he needed anything else, and I was glad to hear that he was all set. His materials were being taken care of by BA and his other staff, so I turned to them and asked them. They said they got it. I felt awkward and embarrassed for no apparent reason. I made my way at my refuge at the very back of the room, stopping to glare at some flirtatious comments from the technical staff. Once at the back, I couldn't help but stare at BA. Honestly, I was disappointed and I was lingering on my insecurities. Was I really that unattractive or was I overtly, unbelievably sweet or awkward or was he simply not interested in me? Okay, to be honest I find him cute and I wanted to get to know him better, and yes, I was flirty with my lashes batting, eyes tantalizing, hair flipping, lips smiling, legs swinging, dress flowing, touch lingering, and the list goes on. I must have been embarrassing to watch as I was generally a quiet girl who sat and waited, never the first to have made a move. That was a first for me so I probably looked more like a fool than a lady. I groaned inwardly wishing that my literary heroine at the time - Anastasia Steele - would rub off some of her femininity to me. After about two hours of nothing, I walked towards the comfort room, and as I was the only female in the building, the comfort room really lived up to its name. Exactly what I needed. Alone time. I stared at my reflection again and I saw a child staring back at me. It's no wonder why I only get compliments from older men. They think of me as their daughter and as a rule of thumb, you always have to praise your daughter. Boys my age, they ignored me probably because they think they still have to babysit me. I was starting to question my development. I accepted the fact that BA would probably never talk to me or probably not even look my way. I smoothed my curls and my dress and headed back to hell. Lunch, much to my surprise, was being served to the attendees by none other than BA and the other staff. I was secretly thankful for that because I didn't want to walk around those gawking group of men as I brought them their stomachs' satisfaction. I fetched myself a glass of water instead and when I turned back I was surprised as BA handed me a packed lunch, a small smile on his cute face. I smiled back shyly and thanked him, reached out to take the food but very carefully because I didn't want to brush my fingers to his. I would probably explode with the slightest contact. I made my way back to my home base and the seat next to me was suddenly occupied by the facilitator. Oh well, if I couldn't get to BA yet I could at least get his boss to like me. I made small talk until some jerk stirred me away. I sighed again as I thought I would never have a chance with BA. The day flew by in a haze of misery, boredom and surprisingly, acceptance.  I just thought that the sun was rising in my world again, but just as I was enjoying the light, I also began to chase the dusk. Impossible. Bittersweet acceptance washed through me as I thought that again, nothing has changed.

I went about my life as usual. Merely existing, living in black and white. The week passed by and I was so caught up in BA that I ended up telling MC about my crush on the guy. The week was a rollercoaster ride of jeering and cheering and before I knew it, it was Friday. I stretched my arms and swung my legs out of bed and when I stood up, I immediately fell back down. Whoah, head rush! I calmed my breathing and touched my neck then my forehead. I had a fever. I curled in a fetal position and groaned to my mom that I wouldn't want to get up and head to the office. I guess I deserved a break from all the frustrating things that happened in my life in and out of the office. I lazed around the bed all day and by mid afternoon I got bored and called the office. The receptionists were telling me a fascinating horror story. After our little chat I asked to be transferred to my department. My fellow HR staff was then chatting with me, telling me the things that I have missed for the day. Then she told me MC from purchasing dept was looking for me. I let myself wonder why, as if I didn't already know. I was immediately mortified. I asked to be connected to MC and she confirmed my theory - she straightforwardly told BA my little crush on him. God, I couldn't ever show my face to him ever again!

By the next week, I was feeling tired, but as jolly as my old self as I cracked my eyes open at the crack of Friday dawn. I got ready for the last workday of the week. I pulled out the first pieces of clothing that my hands touched. Ah, my trusty too-big-for-me polo shirt and my black leggings. My homey look would do for casual Friday. I chatted animatedly with my officemates. Being the youngest in the office, I was almost always the 'class clown.' As I was at the reception area with my back turned against the doorway, I was making silly moves and actions while making fun of something I was complaining about. I turned my head half-way then did a sudden double take. There he was, BA! I turned my attention to the receptionists and squealed then before he could see me, I made my escape to my department office. I leaned my back flat against the door while I panted and shook and tried to calm my too-loud breathing and frantic heartbeat. What a graceful way to handle things, I thought to myself. I was lost. The three worried and shocked faces of my fellow HR staff brought me back to the ground. They were looking at me when it hit me that I had some explaining to do after the just-seen-a-ghost look on my face. I smiled shyly as I finally spilled about my new-found crush and that he was there, under the same roof as me. Of course, my girls wanted to see him, but I stopped them as I wouldn't want to embarrass myself more. It was enough that he probably thought I was too eager (i.e. my uber sweetness from our first encounter) or that he already knew my little crush on him or that he probably saw me acting crazy then suddenly running away. I didn't need any more reason for him to think I am a total lunatic sending him complete strangers and rub it more on his face that a total lunatic has a crush on him. As my heart went back to its usual thud, I went about my usual work. I grabbed some paperwork and headed out to the opposite side of the building towards the Executive Office. I passed through the reception, then at the blind curve just before the long corridor, I almost literally bumped into someone. My subconscious knew who it was before my conscious mind could react. Neurons were involuntarily fired to the sides of my mouth bringing them up to a wide goofy grin. Of course, my subconscious would be expecting BA! My conscious mind just wasn't as positive. Unfortunately, I mean, fortunately, my subconscious was always right. BA stared at me and smiled in recognition. I gaped at him with that stupid smile plastered on my face. A million thoughts and questions raced in my head but I couldn't find my voice. All I could come up with was a "hi." He also said hi and continued to walk away. I couldn't help but follow him with my gaze. I was a train wreck of emotions,  but humiliation was on top of them all. He probably thought of me as a weird, crazy, foolish girl who has is head over heels him. Great, I'll remember to put that in my tombstone when I die of embarrassment. After a while my rational thoughts told me that BA might not think that. He could have thought that my crush on him was something that MC made up. I calmly went back to my table, and started our IM system and popped a message to MC. I was typing furiously fast as excitement ran in my veins. I was saying that I saw BA and that I was shaking and I was wondering what was happening to me. She immediately replied that it must be love but I vehemently denied it and played it down to a simple crush, which was of course, the truth. Just as I continued to verbalize my swooning to her, she suddenly popped me a "hi" which I found really odd but I ignored it thinking she was being random to keep me calm. By afternoon coffee break, I was calm enough to get up and put something in my stomach. MC was also in the cafeteria. She pulled me aside before I could get my food. I must have still looked flushed. She touched my forehead and asked me if I was fine. I nodded. I could tell she was excited about something so I kept my excitement level to minimum. She indifferently asked me if I noticed something odd in our IM a little while back. Panic was building in my tummy but I innocently said no. No, no, no, it cannot be! She then voiced out my worst thoughts. That "hi" that popped in our IMing, it came from BA. I wanted to combust right then and there. If he thought of me as crazy before, he probably thought of me as a completely different species now. The next time I see him, he'd probably look me up and down and shake his head hopelessly at me, or worse, he'd completely tune me out of his world forever. I couldn't be more mortified! This time there was no denying it. The words "I have a crush on you" practically came from me, verbatim! I was suddenly not so hungry anymore.

Embarrassed. Mortified. Ashamed. Humiliated. Degraded. These words are the best title there is for chapter one. I thought I grew up and was mature enough to deal with a crush, but apparently, my inexperience brought me back to a schoolgirl blushing scarlet at the sight of the campus hearthrob. Honestly, I don't know if this is the beginning of a beautiful story or just another cliffhanger where the beginning is also the end. I hope for the former. I wrote this entry as something I could look back on after a few months, years, I don't know how long, but when I do, this will be a reminder that I was once a crazy girl who would go a vast distance of craziness for something or someone. I was a total lunatic with potential. And who knows? Chapter one might lead to a happily ever after.

White crayon

She is a white crayon. Neglected, ignored, untouched. She quietly sits in the box, patiently waiting to unleash the potential within. However, patience is disappearing like a candle wick licked by flame. She can no longer watch pink, yellow, purple and so on get picked over and over while she pours her tears silently, the world oblivious of her existence. She is a white crayon. The very color of compassion, innocence and purity - the very core of her humanity. Those are the things that she cannot see for herself, for she is dumbstruck by the show of colors around her. She is on the sidelines, never moving, never speaking. She simply sits there and admires every little thing she sees. She watches as Pink gets passed on from hand to hand, she thinks Pink is so pretty. There goes Red. Ah, Red. A mixture of admiration and fear runs through her veins. Red turns heads as she walks. Red is majestic. Red is fearless. Red is breath-taking. Red scares the scream out of her. She halts her thoughts before they become too distressing.

Oh dearest White, if only someone can tell you that you are the most special thing. You are the center of this box, the center of gravity which holds each and everyone in their right places. Your innocence clouds your thoughts. You are too good to always regard others before your own. You never see other's faults, just your own. White, you are not perfect, but neither is anyone else. Just remember that without you, there would be no pretty Pink, and with you, majestic Red is simply just pretty Pink.You are not powerless. And you know what? People may always pass you by, and you may cry about it, but to hell with those people! They are ordinary with eyes only for their likes. You are one special thing which holds beauty and potential to the eyes of a true talented artist.Until that artist comes, you must always always remember to never doubt who you are. You are White. You are the very color of compassion, innocence and purity.

Wrapped around my fingers

I am not exactly what one would call the woman of his dreams. As a matter of fact, I don't even see myself as a woman at all. I still feel like a girl stuck in the awkward stage between childhood and adulthood. Perhaps I got lost somewhere in moratorium and fate decided that I should stay confused forever. I sometimes make the most foolish and risky decisions. My childish and playful ways are my most effective social skills. I refuse to wear make up and girly clothes. I wear glasses and stay up all night to read fantasy novels. I spend my free time writing blog entries.Worst of all, I am turning twenty one. I still refuse to let society change who I think I am, but sometimes things just get frustrating. Sometimes fighting this battle all by myself gets tiring. Sometimes I just want to give up and let society suck in all of me and turn me into another one of their beauty-crazed zombies. Sometimes I just want to give in to the demands of this world just so I could be accepted. Just when I was about to give up, I had you. I had someone to encourage I am simply a child, honest and innocent. I am a child on the first day of school, not wanting to let go of my mother's hand for fear of this strange new place. I feel futile as I enter the unknown. I have stayed put long enough to know and love what is only familiar. I found my happy place and I refused to leave it, until I was finally forced to open my eyes to the unknown world. I was forced out of my comfort zone and forced to face the world of lies, graft and abuse. Everyone was my enemy. I chose to trust nobody. Perhaps it was a moment of weakness that I allowed you to enter my life. I was young, innocent and alone, and you were older, maybe wiser and braver, and definitely stronger. Something about the smooth and natural way of our conversation made me want to know more about you. You headed out, I followed you. You suddenly stopped and turned, and for a moment there I thought you would push me away. After all, what help could I be to someone who is already as great as you? To my surprise, you didn't. You took my hand and led me to venture out into the open, to see the world with your eyes. I was taken aback by the sights and sounds. I didn't know I was missing out a lot, but thanks to you I am experiencing life for the very first time. You accepted me for who I am. The fear I felt for the need for change felt silly now. You made me realize that I needn't change for the world. The world needed to adapt to me. Taking baby steps, I realize little by little that I have the world wrapped around my childish little fingers after all.

It all started with a smile

My smile leads to several stories with different endings. I smile to show I can be sweet, I end up with amazing friends. I smile to mask my pain, I gradually forget the stabbing pressure on my heart. I smile to intimidate a bitch, I find her avoiding me instead of fighting me. I smile to make friends with you, I now tell the greatest love story of my life, sort of. We may not be lovers yet, but we're getting there. *wink wink*

It all started with a smile. I smiled genuinely to start a conversation, though I like to skip the awkward hi-let's-be-friends-what's-your-name part and immediately move to more intelligent conversations like, oh, gift wrapping. I still remember the jokes that went flooding as we talked about your unbelievably expert way of gift wrapping. It was Christmas season at that time, and I'm sorry you got dragged into gift wrapping with me. I know it was not the most glamorous job in the world, and I know I was not exactly the best company there ever was. Today, roughly six months from that very moment, something about the way you look at me tells me that I have cast a spell on you. After all, we did spend an awful lot of time together these past few months. You even cared to take me home if we were out too late at night. It was extremely difficult for me to track the time when I was with you. It felt like I never wanted to be anywhere else. Today was no different. I don't know how you could be such a perfect friend and possibly the perfect lover. To this wonderful unity of love and friendship, I give you the very same genuine smile that I gave you on that very first time. It is my way of saying 'once upon a time' that would later on lead to our happily ever after.

Box of Cookies

I have had a tough day and I knew I was not looking my best with dark circles under my eyes and a mess which was supposedly my hair. I probably lost all the glow of the tiny bit of make up I put on about twelve hours ago. I probably look like a zombie that just walked out of the grave. I was surprised, though, when you showed up just when I was about to leave and end the day as it was -- horrifyingly stressful. Your hands were behind your back. I had no patience left for games. Sensing my cranky mood, you simply revealed what was behind you. A box of chocolate chip cookies. I was confused and looked at you as if asking if those cookies were for me. You gave me a soft chuckle. I love it when you do that, when you think I am being silly but you still like me anyway. I joined you, and your chuckle turned to a laugh. It has probably been two minutes since you came, and neither of us said a word, yet I felt like we just exchanged a perfectly understood conversation. Still, without a word, I grabbed the cookies with the energy of a three-year-old, and for a moment there, I was gently electrified when my fingers ever so lightly touched yours. Then and there, I knew I was reborn. Well, figuratively speaking, of course, as I know I was still a huge mess. There is something about you that makes everything as natural as breathing. There is a certain lightness like a show of dandelion snow floating about in such a carefree manner, and suddenly, the world seems not harsh at all. I looked back at the box of cookies. If there was a way to eat them and preserve them, I would do that. I wanted to freeze this moment. I couldn't be more thankful for your simple gesture that reminded me about the beauty of life. You are as sweet and as likable as your box of cookies. Now, cookies would probably always remind me of you, and maybe, just maybe, I would always be bursting with butterflies and joy and energy every time I have this delightful treat.

Confession of a Lovestruck Girl

Being an adult (at least my age says so), I thought that I was wise enough to make my own decisions. I thought I could listen to what my heart says because I was sure that the surge of teenage hormones has passed. I thought I knew how to maneuver through the swerves of life, though honestly, I still haven't learned how to drive a car or even ride a bike. I thought I was right to sit here and wait for something or someone that I now know would never come. It hurts me to think of him this way, but as some people told me, everything happens for a reason. I don't know what the reason is, but I would like you to know that I am willing to take a huge risk to find out. I would do it for you. I know it seems unfair of me to put you in that risk, but I can promise you one thing - we will get through this together. I mean, how can I not even at least try after all the wonderful things you have done for me? Yes, just so you know, I haven't taken anything for granted. I clearly remember that first moment we shared a laugh while wrapping Christmas presents, that night in the cab when you lightly brushed the hair out of my face because I was too sick move, that box of chocolates which made my heart pound with excitement, or that day when I was surprised with a lavish gift of my current favorite book series with a cute little note attached. Nonetheless, the memory that I treasure the most was when you patiently waited for two hours just to take me to an unfamiliar place where my best friend is waiting for me. I loved your enthusiasm of meeting my best friend. I loved your corny stories that seem to stop the ticking of the clock altogether. I loved your optimism when every other plan failed like I told you we were a little too late to get to the place where my best friend was waiting. I had fun, though, at that little ratty old fast food place where we sat across each other and I so badly wanted to reach out and hold your hand. Instead, I held your gaze. I stared into those eyes seeing nothing but how wonderful you are. Honestly, I wanted to kiss you then and there, but I was held back by my fear. Fear of first, never having been kissed, and second fear of losing you because of my fragile heart. I was afraid to start something that I know I cannot finish. I guess what I am saying is, I am afraid to fully commit myself to you because he is still a huge part of my life. I wish you could forgive me after this confession because I honestly don't know what to do if I lost you. Just so you know, I am not saying yes yet, but I am definitely not saying no. I just wish you could give me time to heal, time to pick up the broken pieces, so I could love you the way you love me - whole and true.

Going all the way this 2012

It's been a while. All work and no blog make me an insane girl. What, with the lack of reality check and all. So here I am looking back on the year that was and looking forward to the year that is to come. I stopped believing in New Year resolutions a few years back when it came to me that resolutions are made due to regret. People regret things that they have done and wish to change it as the New Year comes. A resolution is probably a badly disguised denial of inability to change what has happened. Instead of resolutions, I prefer to stick to mantras. And my mantra this year: go all the way. These four words would be my guiding light in the decisions that I would be making during the year. During the past year, I have turned from schoolgirl to a working girl, and this year I want to become a working lady. My young girl ways were good. I have gained lots of knowledge. Now, I want the skills. I don't want to just experience, I want to live, to go all the way! I want to look out my window and see the world as a familiar playground and each and everyone as my best friend. I want the wind to blow my hair in a tangled mess and not worry about combing the knots out. I want to jump off a cliff and let the ocean swallow the whole of me as I feel the warm and gentle water tickling my skin. I want to fall insanely in love and feel like I am being reborn. I want to see the sun with brand new eyes and go through the day without worry. In simple words, I want to learn from the past, live in the present and let the future be what it would be.