Confession of a Lovestruck Girl

Being an adult (at least my age says so), I thought that I was wise enough to make my own decisions. I thought I could listen to what my heart says because I was sure that the surge of teenage hormones has passed. I thought I knew how to maneuver through the swerves of life, though honestly, I still haven't learned how to drive a car or even ride a bike. I thought I was right to sit here and wait for something or someone that I now know would never come. It hurts me to think of him this way, but as some people told me, everything happens for a reason. I don't know what the reason is, but I would like you to know that I am willing to take a huge risk to find out. I would do it for you. I know it seems unfair of me to put you in that risk, but I can promise you one thing - we will get through this together. I mean, how can I not even at least try after all the wonderful things you have done for me? Yes, just so you know, I haven't taken anything for granted. I clearly remember that first moment we shared a laugh while wrapping Christmas presents, that night in the cab when you lightly brushed the hair out of my face because I was too sick move, that box of chocolates which made my heart pound with excitement, or that day when I was surprised with a lavish gift of my current favorite book series with a cute little note attached. Nonetheless, the memory that I treasure the most was when you patiently waited for two hours just to take me to an unfamiliar place where my best friend is waiting for me. I loved your enthusiasm of meeting my best friend. I loved your corny stories that seem to stop the ticking of the clock altogether. I loved your optimism when every other plan failed like I told you we were a little too late to get to the place where my best friend was waiting. I had fun, though, at that little ratty old fast food place where we sat across each other and I so badly wanted to reach out and hold your hand. Instead, I held your gaze. I stared into those eyes seeing nothing but how wonderful you are. Honestly, I wanted to kiss you then and there, but I was held back by my fear. Fear of first, never having been kissed, and second fear of losing you because of my fragile heart. I was afraid to start something that I know I cannot finish. I guess what I am saying is, I am afraid to fully commit myself to you because he is still a huge part of my life. I wish you could forgive me after this confession because I honestly don't know what to do if I lost you. Just so you know, I am not saying yes yet, but I am definitely not saying no. I just wish you could give me time to heal, time to pick up the broken pieces, so I could love you the way you love me - whole and true.