Useless

Yesterday was slightly worse than most of my days. Today was a little bit intolerable. As I stared at the reflection in the mirror, all I can think of was "useless." I sighed and did what I could to conceal my puffy eyes. I would not want to walk out of my room with "I cried my eyes out last night" written all over my face. I gave up. The best thing I could do was hide the dark circles under my eyes. I grabbed my purse and headed out for another average day at work. I faked a smile for the cheerful neighbors and security guards. Walking on the sidewalk, seeing blank expressions and hurried walks made me remember what happened yesterday.

Yesterday, I proved that a photo is indeed worth a thousand words. It was a single photo which triggered the stream of words that would later on complete this entry. However, a photo is not just worth a thousand words. It is also worth a thousand emotions, a thousand possibilities, a thousand tears. As I stare back at the photo of the happy couple, a whirlpool of emotions stirred inside me. My optimism suddenly turned into a feeling of great failure which dropped on me like a ton of bricks. I tried to compose myself, yet I knew I was about to burst into tears. I made up some lame excuse to go to bed early. I lay in the dark as my pillow caught each tear and muffled each sob. The mixed emotions hit me like vertigo. The spinning was too fast that I was getting a headache. Then there was nothing but the endless stream of tears. The feeling of defeat washed over me. Each tear that escaped my eyes is a fallen petal from a once lovely rose. A rose which I worked so hard to take care of. I gave every ounce of my humanity to that rose for it was my life. A life full of love, beauty and hope. A life which was coming to an end. A life which was, at that moment of failure, replaced by withered leaves and thorny stem -- a bottomless pit of lifelessness and pain.

I opened my eyes to the sound of the television outside my room. Right then and there I knew I made it through the night. My eyes started to water again at the thought of making it through another useless day. I lost the only thing that kept me going. I lost that one strand of hope that would save me from this zombie-like lifelessness. I lost my heart. Yesterday was my life's epiphany of pain. It hurt so much that today I walk across the city with puffy, teary eyes and a blank stare that screams useless.