Alone

Two kids were running around the yard one late afternoon. They have been playing like this since the dawn of time. I was a witness to this joyful moment. It was then I realized I would never be like them. I would always be this restrained party-pooper. I have always known I was born a little different. I have always known I enjoy the solemn silence of being alone, yet I crave the company of someone who could push my buttons the right way. Somehow, all that I seem to attract are those who not only pushed my buttons the wrong way but also left permanent damage in doing so. I only seem to retract more and more into my shell, becoming more and more afraid of meeting people. My worst fear is that because of these heart-aches that have caused me to hide, I may never be able to come out or even go near the wall that hides it all. I may never be able to believe in true love. After all, I have only heard of love through fairy tales and movies. How can I even believe in love when right now I feel like an abandoned kitty left on the street? I am naive and I have nowhere to go, no one to count on. I could hardly fend for myself. I am an abandoned kitty who has known the world as a cold and cruel place. I am an abandoned kitty deprived of the warmth and safety of unconditional love. However there is still something in my subconscious that tells me there is still hope for me, but there is also this sinking feeling in my chest that that hope is simply death. I have no idea whether death is a wonderful beginning or a horrible end. All I know is it is an escape from this lifetime spent alone in darkness.